With just three months left in the year, there are still so many goals left unchecked. As someone who thrives on having everything planned, uncertainty is my greatest adversary. Anxiety is my nightly companion, pulling me into non-existent conversations. My internal thoughts wake me more than my night owl roommate, who rummages through her notes, studying for her exam.

I plan to avoid failure. I mentally rehearse worst-case scenarios so I can prevent them. I script my future conversations to avoid shame. I anticipate people's reactions to shield my heart from rejection. I read people too much. I think too much.

But today, I was reminded during Sunday Service—God is sovereign. 

Every time I hear the story of the Tan-Chi family’s darkest day in their lives and what happened to Joy Tan-Chi, it brings me to tears. In 1992, the Tan-Chi children were held hostage in their home, and Joy was raped by seven men while her parents, Ptr. Peter and Deonna, were leading a Bible study somewhere. It’s a stark reminder that even those close to God, those who serve Him, are not immune to trials and suffering.

What struck me most today was Carolyn, the youngest daughter, who—traumatized by the event—grew up locking all her doors and windows. She once asked her mother, “How will I know if God will never allow the robbery and rape to happen again?”

That question lingers: What if, after all my careful planning, God allows my worst fears to come true? What if, after all the waiting, heartbreak still finds me? What if, after all the striving, setbacks could still unfold? Believing in God’s sovereignty means accepting suffering, too.

But who am I to question God? 

Even Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego stood firm before Nebuchadnezzar, saying:

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us. 

But even if He does not, we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." - Daniel 3:16-18

Even Job never blamed God even if everything he owned and every kin he has was taken away. I could never fathom the pain Job had to go through all of that, I would never survive. But,

He said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” - Job 1:21

And Jesus, the son of God, was not exempted from suffering and died on the cross to save us from our sins. Instead, He also surrendered to His Father's will,

saying, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.” - Luke 22:42

How profound is their faith! I pray to have a faith like theirs--- deep, rooted, refined. Always reminding myself, that even in suffering, failures, rejections, and heartaches, His control remains. He is still sovereign.

Deonna could not tell and promise her daughter Carolyn that God will never allow the bad things to happen again, but rather tells her to shift her focus-- it's not in the absence of problems our security lies, but in the presence of God.

"... But they who seek the Lord will not lack any good thing." - Psalm 34:10

This is one of my recent early morning shots while comet-watching. As a fan of astronomical events, I eagerly awaited the chance to glimpse Comet Tsuchinshan-Atlas. Despite the cloudy, polluted, skyscraper-blocked skies of Metro Manila, I was still hopeful.

I prayed to see the comet.. But even if not (and I didn't haha), at least I was blessed with this view—rays of the rising sun piercing through the clouds, while I had a quiet, personal moment with my Maker.

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Sharing the CCF Sunday Service on October 6, 2024 so that you'll also be blessed! ❤

I woke up early today to catch up with my training backlogs. Should I do a speed run, recovery run, or a 5k run? Four weeks away from the race day, I still don't know if I can finish this 10k run. I could not care less about achieving a 'sub 1' in my first 10k run yet-- I just want to finish it without injuries. Ano ba tong pinasok ko, Lord. 😭  

Even with less carb loading from the night before, I still decided to do a 5k recovery run today. People think that running is just an easy sport, but there are actually many things needed to pay attention to... but me, I'm just too focused on what music I should play while running hahahah but this time I try to focus on my landing. I was told that I might not have a good form that's why I get shin splints every time I run. Probably it was true but I actually can't imagine what they're trying to say. 

2k in, and after some experimenting, I think I got the good form because my legs did not hurt. In the next 1k, I try to focus on my breathing, baka nakalimutan ko ng huminga. Haha the thing with running, for me, the hardest part is when you're just halfway. It's so tempting to give up and give yourself a pat on your back, "at least you showed up today". It's also tempting to just do the all-too-familiar route. But not today! I was doing a good job, gurl, way to go. Or so I thought.. 

And a random thought came into my mind, someone sent us a video of my parents having fun on a ride in Mugna (a park with rides every September in Iligan) and taking a video of themselves. I was so emotional watching the video yesterday-- they were having a good time together. My parents who are too dedicated in their work on weekdays and very busy in the household chores on weekends, still found some time to go out and have fun even without us. 😭😭😭

I captured the picture above while I was at the backseat of our car. A week before going back to Manila, I asked my dad that he should be the one to teach my mom to drive already. He should endure the stress and anxiety and be beside her, guide and teach her how to drive because I will not be there to teach her na. At the end of the practice drive, they were so happy that they forgot that I'm there, my dad exclaimed 'Thank you Lord' and they shared a kiss!! Hahahah aaahhh so glad I was there to witness it. 

I thank the Lord that He is not just faithful in my life but also in my mom and dad's lives. I hope and pray they will have more years pa and always have good health so that they could do more dates on their own. I think they are having their time of their lives again now that they are alone together hahaha may their love for each other continue pa and I'll always hold on to these good memories. ❤

And my 5km run was done! I was shocked that ending it turned out to be so easy and I feel like I could run more. Indeed, as Peter Pan said, 'just think of happy thoughts and you'll fly'. 

It feels like 2019 all over again. It's now 2024, five years have passed since 2019, who would have thought I would still be rushing to go to school early for my 6PM class to catch a glimpse of the sunset on the 4th floor of the building every Tuesday? 

Today is February the 14th. Same old, same old. I oddly feel the same compared to 5 years ago. Before-- young, hopeful, and full of love. Now-- still feeling young, still full of love, but not so hopeful anymore.

Why do I feel like it's harder to love and find a relationship now than before? There is something about how we can easily access now to people through technology but find it hard to really... connect. How is it that in this age of inexpensive ways of communication, it's now harder to say things what we really mean and easier to hold back what we really feel, as easy as the unsend button? Why is it that the faster the messages are being sent, the longer we say what we really feel? And why is it now harder to decide when we have options than we have none?

These are the things that have been bugging me lately, maybe because of the Valentines' blues (even though I try to deny that it is)? or maybe I am just back to where I was 5 years ago where I now have a lot of love to give... again. 

(Disclaimer: These are not just the thoughts that have been bugging me. I still have so much to post in my blog yet-- my Thailand and Vietnam adventures in the past year and my recent Siargao trip pictures surely are rolling their eyes at me already. Second semester has been going on also and I really should be working on my thesis adviser. BUT the introverted me with a lot of introspection going on inside my mind every day rarely gets to write it down. Haha and why am I being defensive? Just in case, someone's judging me wrongly here.)

I am the kind of person in a group of friends who bravely asks the group the question "where do you see yourself five years from now?" and guess what, I am now in that "five years from now" future and I am back to where I was five years ago, just in a different location.

But just because I feel the same, it doesn't mean nothing has changed. 

This is what I realized when I watched About Time again tonight. It has been my Valentine's tradition, with or without a valentine, to watch this movie every time since I don't know when. It doesn't matter when I started doing it but I just remembered that I really felt moved the first time I saw it. There was something about the simple love between Tim and Mary that I really long for. It was not pushy-- yes, Tim kinda altered time (spoiler alert!) so that something could happen between them but that was after they had really fallen in love with each other in that literal blind date. 

Rewatching it again, I still feel the same about Tim and Mary. I totally love their relationship and it is the movie that always reminds me to "marry someone kind" and "not everyone nice is boring". All the time traveling Tim did for Charlotte and they still did not work out, except for that one time. But at the end of the day, the decision Tim made to say No to Charlotte and still choose Mary is really the changemaker. Fate can only do so much, our decisions matter. 

But what made me sob tonight was the Tim and Dad part. I totally missed the importance of these parts before maybe because I wasn't mature enough and my head was full of things about love. I miss my parents, and as a person who doesn't miss people that much, I really do miss them it makes me cry. I did not realize the significance of the part where Tim had to choose between having another child and losing the chance to spend another time with his father until now. I still can't imagine the time when I would be in the same season Tim had. I really don't want to imagine.

So yes, I may have watched this movie many times, but I learned something new about myself tonight because of it. I still feel the same love I want to give but something has changed about it. This time around, I am more cautious, and I have set my non-negotiables and boundaries before giving out love once again. I now have more self-control and I am not much of a people pleaser anymore (me thinks haha). And I know now to whom I should pour my love and time more on.

So how to find love in this age (of an awkward late twenty-something phase) and time (of situationships and too much options in online dating)? I don't know hahaha that's why it's a question? 

But what this movie taught me tonight was that to find love in this age and time is to notice the small things we experience in our day-to-day lives. To be more present in the moment. We tend to focus on worries and tensions in life, and all these hopeless thoughts about love, that we forget to just... notice.

And realize that it's not that bad after all.

The future may be so uncertain, but to just be in the present does not seem so bad at all.

Currently at a cafe somewhere in New Manila. I am just killing the time before I am going to watch Tabing-Ilog Musical. This is the first time that I have decided to do something alone. I have watched a couple of theater acts this year because of my brother-- it was always his treat when he include me in his shenanigans. (I have yet to write a post on Hamilton!)

I realized that most of the time lately, I have only tried new things because other people had invited me, included me in the event, I had someone to go with, but not from my own plans and decisions. I think so far, I was afraid to do new things alone. 

It's now December. This year had surely gone by so fast, but unlike 2022, I think I like 2023 better. 

For one, looking back where I was three years ago, I am now in a place I did not know and could not imagine I'll be in one day. I remember professing in college that I was never going to take up Master's Degree-- fair enough, I was burnt out from studying before that's why I said that, char. But here I am. Having been a public school teacher for three years seemed such a faraway reality now. I feel like I am truly living my life just lately. I am rewriting my goals again. I am starting to dream new dreams once again.

I feel like I am truly living my life just lately. 

I've noticed that I usually write things down when I feel like crying or when things just get so heavy. So what is making me want to cry lately?

I feel old. Hahahaha. I wish I have done something more during the pandemic years. I feel like I have wasted a lot of time just because I took the easier route that time-- to be a public school teacher and have a good pay, all the while, rendering my service obligation. I did tell myself before to make use of the pandemic for such time was a season to learn new things while waiting-- but what I did was just learn Han-geul haha. My classmates and friends meanwhile were going out of their comfort zones, they were here in Manila earlier than everybody to find jobs. Three years later, they flourished in the work they've chosen, they've earned lots of growth and potential, and had been in a better place than three years ago.

I feel like I am starting from day one, and I am already old. I am still starting to hustle, and I do not have enough savings to start with, I feel so far from achieving my career goals and I wonder when will I or will I ever accomplish them. If only I could turn back time. At this age, I feel like I do not have the luxury of time to make mistakes anymore. I'm not 23 anymore. If I make a mistake in my career path now, I might realize it then when I turn 30. 

I want to cry. I know I felt all of this while looking at other people's lives. But I really I wish I knew better.

And maybe that's why I like 2023 better. At least, I'm finally moving on from what was holding me back. It took some courage and a leap of faith, but at least, I am now at a different place than I was 5 months ago. It really is good to go away from our hometown and grow and see what the world has to offer. I may be late, but I guess I am not yet too late. I am just starting. 

Still afraid but at least, and I guess, I am now one step ahead.