The photo above is the best picture that could describe what I'm feeling about this new year. That is my corner of the room the first time we moved into our new place. Barely empty, looking lonely, but so much space to bring in new things. 

Here's the second part of my photodiary!

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10th - grief and clarity

Dealing with grief has always been hard and different for each person. But one thing I learned last year is that grief could also come when there is clarity. 

There is clarity on where I should go, but I will grieve about the places I had to leave. There is clarity on what I want, but there is grief on what could have been. There is clarity on what love we think we deserve, but there is grief where love has been.

While grief's hard to deal with, it's because of clarity that we're able to slowly get through with it.

Here's a picture of Moon and Venus conjunction, the phenomenon where both celestial bodies align with each other and appear close as observed from Earth. 

11th - live for the little things

12th - grass is greener here

This is actually a reminder for me always to be thankful of what I have for now. There's uncertainty of my future after I graduate Masters. Most probably I'll be comparing myself with other people's employed status hahaha. But it's gonna be okay. There's no use in looking over other people's patches of green fields when I can also invest in myself, nurture my growth, and appreciate small sprouts of progress.

13th - forgive yourself

I've always been too hard on myself whenever I make mistakes. I am even ashamed other people might see my faults. 

But whether we said the wrong words, followed the wrong advice, gave up too soon, made the wrong choices-- I hope we always give ourselves grace and understand that we are just humans. And this is our first life, it's okay to make mistakes.

I've read once in a post, 'Imagine how much further you'd get if you met your setbacks with "let's try again" instead of "what's the point"'. Let's not easily give up, and give ourselves grace to try again.

14th - rest well, serve well

Many times I've regretted what I've said, done, and thought of when I am tired. This year, I will be more present to every waking moment, be more present to the people around me, so that I can serve them well. 

I think it's okay to put off things first especially when making decisions until I have rested well. I realized as I am getting older, I can't do all-nighter anymore and still have energy for the next day. 

I hope to have courage to say no to things that will compromise my sleeping time. Haha just adult things

(Look at that mountain though, damn those edges!! I will always miss Bukidnon <3) 

15th - go out and discover you

I thank the Lord that I have the privilege to travel. More than the beautiful things I've seen in other places, my travels also allowed me to discover things within me.

Because of my travels, I have dared to dream new dreams and gained new perspectives on the world. Once you go out there, you realize how small your worries are and how great we could still be when we expand our mindset of who we are right now.

Different races, cultures, languages-- these really fascinate me every time, because as I go people watching, how different we may be, everybody is just trying to survive in this life in our own ways.

I am just but a small speck in this vast world.

16th - mang and pang

My mom and dad are not perfect but amidst of all the broken marriages and families today, I admire their faithfulness with each other in keeping their relationship strong. I guess 30 years of marriage is really hard work and God's faithfulness. 

I guess their bond got closer and love got stronger when all their children had left home already, and realized that all they have is each other. Makes me teary eyed every time I think of this aaaahhhh

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

17th - mourn, but hope

Pain demands to be felt, and there's no point of suppressing our hurts. 

Allow yourself to grieve and feel what you feel. But it's another thing to let that feeling linger. There is wisdom in realizing that pain is part in this life, but so is breakthrough. There are indeed nights that feel so long, dark, and lonely, but hold on to the hope that joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5). 

When I lost my phone last year, there was a storm that week which gave me reason to mourn for days because there was no sun hahaha but eventually, sun had to show up. The world did not stop revolving around the sun, and the world would not stop for me. Painful truth but comforting at the same time. 

Thank God for every morning, for every sunrise. It's a stark reminder that there is hope in every loss. And that every dark moment always has its end.

18th - room to grow

"Please be patient with me.

God is not through with me yet.

I am not yet what God wants me to be.

But praise God, by His Grace, I'm no longer the same person as I was."

- Ptr. Peter Tan-Chi
(January 5, 2025 - CCF Sunday Service)

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It's already the second month of 2025. This post is long overdue!! It was supposed to be posted on the first week of the year but life happened. Weddings, reunions, and thesis. This post had undergone so much drafts already hahaha I've been writing and finishing this at the airport while waiting for my flights, writing in between my thesis experiments, and writing for a few minutes before I go to sleep. I guess I had to post it already before I get (super) busy again.

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1st - living in an answered prayer

2nd - timing is everything

3rd - love's never lost 

I know there are times we find ourselves thinking about lost time, lost efforts, and lost love. But as Taylor Swift wisely said, “Love’s never lost when perspective is earned.” It’s a reminder that even in loss, there’s something to be gained—a deeper understanding, a clearer perspective, a chance to grow. 

4th - going home feels different now

5th - i am where i am supposed to be

6th - wait

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7th - hold on

8th - i am so much more

9th - God sends help

Here's the last glorious sunset I've captured using my now lost phone. 

Right when this month started, I've read on Threads about the October Theory: for some people, this month is "an alarm to make certain changes before the year is over"; a time when people "decide what things need to be set into motion". 

I was excited for October since I knew there was so much in store. My weekends were fully booked with gigs: Clara Benin and I Belong to the Zoo at Jess & Pat's, the Over October concert, a science communication workshop, Women's Run PH, and a SPIT show. I was saying yes to every invitation that fit my schedule. Between these, I was making progress with my thesis experiments, unexpectedly leading a team on a business proposal, tutoring, cooking meals for everybody at home, volunteering to help with orientation for first-year students, and squeezing in training sessions for my upcoming run.

This was my way of embracing change before the year’s end—a commitment to growth. I didn’t want to miss a single opportunity, knowing that by this time next year, I might be in a completely different season. Every task brought a sense of purpose, and it was satisfying to tick each one off my list. It felt good that things were in my control.

How I managed to show up for everything, and how things always seemed to work out, I can only attribute to the Lord’s presence with me every step of the way. Every ounce of strength I needed, every word I struggled to find, His grace was there, carrying me through.

 

The joy of completing my first 10K at the Women's Run was quickly overshadowed by the grief of losing my phone—which, as it turns out, was stolen. It all happened in less than 5 minutes-- when all you thought you were safe around women (grabe new fear unlocked!!!). Just a simple compromise and the day dragged on with a series of anticlimactic events I have never imagined I would witness in my life. Things totally were not in my control. Traumatized and drained, my roommates and I could not talk about it for three days.

When life is going well, it’s easy to lift our hands and give God all the glory. But when things go off-script, when setbacks hit us, it’s tempting to ask, 'Where is God in all this?' or 'Why me?' My roommate even said, half-joking, 'Maybe we were just too happy at yesterday’s SPIT show—now we’re paying for it.'

Despite it all, I know He was with me in those situations-- He gave me very caring roommates who did not think twice to help me; He sent us police officers who treated us well; He sent someone from the run who has the same case as mine (while it's unfortunate that there's another victim, it's comforting to know that someone can relate to all these dumb feelings); He was there to protect us from further violence that could have happened if things had escalated. His grace still has carried me.

1 Peter 5:10
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.

With just three months left in the year, there are still so many goals left unchecked. As someone who thrives on having everything planned, uncertainty is my greatest adversary. Anxiety is my nightly companion, pulling me into non-existent conversations. My internal thoughts wake me more than my night owl roommate, who rummages through her notes, studying for her exam.

I plan to avoid failure. I mentally rehearse worst-case scenarios so I can prevent them. I script my future conversations to avoid shame. I anticipate people's reactions to shield my heart from rejection. I read people too much. I think too much.

But today, I was reminded during Sunday Service—God is sovereign. 

Every time I hear the story of the Tan-Chi family’s darkest day in their lives and what happened to Joy Tan-Chi, it brings me to tears. In 1992, the Tan-Chi children were held hostage in their home, and Joy was raped by seven men while her parents, Ptr. Peter and Deonna, were leading a Bible study somewhere. It’s a stark reminder that even those close to God, those who serve Him, are not immune to trials and suffering.

What struck me most today was Carolyn, the youngest daughter, who—traumatized by the event—grew up locking all her doors and windows. She once asked her mother, “How will I know if God will never allow the robbery and rape to happen again?”

That question lingers: What if, after all my careful planning, God allows my worst fears to come true? What if, after all the waiting, heartbreak still finds me? What if, after all the striving, setbacks could still unfold? Believing in God’s sovereignty means accepting suffering, too.

But who am I to question God? 

Even Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego stood firm before Nebuchadnezzar, saying:

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us. 

But even if He does not, we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." - Daniel 3:16-18

Even Job never blamed God even if everything he owned and every kin he has was taken away. I could never fathom the pain Job had to go through all of that, I would never survive. But,

He said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked I shall return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” - Job 1:21

And Jesus, the son of God, was not exempted from suffering and died on the cross to save us from our sins. Instead, He also surrendered to His Father's will,

saying, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.” - Luke 22:42

How profound is their faith! I pray to have a faith like theirs--- deep, rooted, refined. Always reminding myself, that even in suffering, failures, rejections, and heartaches, His control remains. He is still sovereign.

Deonna could not tell and promise her daughter Carolyn that God will never allow the bad things to happen again, but rather tells her to shift her focus-- it's not in the absence of problems our security lies, but in the presence of God.

"... But they who seek the Lord will not lack any good thing." - Psalm 34:10

This is one of my recent early morning shots while comet-watching. As a fan of astronomical events, I eagerly awaited the chance to glimpse Comet Tsuchinshan-Atlas. Despite the cloudy, polluted, skyscraper-blocked skies of Metro Manila, I was still hopeful.

I prayed to see the comet.. But even if not (and I didn't haha), at least I was blessed with this view—rays of the rising sun piercing through the clouds, while I had a quiet, personal moment with my Maker.

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Sharing the CCF Sunday Service on October 6, 2024 so that you'll also be blessed! ❤