i like 2023 better

Currently at a cafe somewhere in New Manila. I am just killing the time before I am going to watch Tabing-Ilog Musical. This is the first time that I have decided to do something alone. I have watched a couple of theater acts this year because of my brother-- it was always his treat when he include me in his shenanigans. (I have yet to write a post on Hamilton!)

I realized that most of the time lately, I have only tried new things because other people had invited me, included me in the event, I had someone to go with, but not from my own plans and decisions. I think so far, I was afraid to do new things alone. 

It's now December. This year had surely gone by so fast, but unlike 2022, I think I like 2023 better. 

For one, looking back where I was three years ago, I am now in a place I did not know and could not imagine I'll be in one day. I remember professing in college that I was never going to take up Master's Degree-- fair enough, I was burnt out from studying before that's why I said that, char. But here I am. Having been a public school teacher for three years seemed such a faraway reality now. I feel like I am truly living my life just lately. I am rewriting my goals again. I am starting to dream new dreams once again.

I feel like I am truly living my life just lately. 

I've noticed that I usually write things down when I feel like crying or when things just get so heavy. So what is making me want to cry lately?

I feel old. Hahahaha. I wish I have done something more during the pandemic years. I feel like I have wasted a lot of time just because I took the easier route that time-- to be a public school teacher and have a good pay, all the while, rendering my service obligation. I did tell myself before to make use of the pandemic for such time was a season to learn new things while waiting-- but what I did was just learn Han-geul haha. My classmates and friends meanwhile were going out of their comfort zones, they were here in Manila earlier than everybody to find jobs. Three years later, they flourished in the work they've chosen, they've earned lots of growth and potential, and had been in a better place than three years ago.

I feel like I am starting from day one, and I am already old. I am still starting to hustle, and I do not have enough savings to start with, I feel so far from achieving my career goals and I wonder when will I or will I ever accomplish them. If only I could turn back time. At this age, I feel like I do not have the luxury of time to make mistakes anymore. I'm not 23 anymore. If I make a mistake in my career path now, I might realize it then when I turn 30. 

I want to cry. I know I felt all of this while looking at other people's lives. But I really I wish I knew better.

And maybe that's why I like 2023 better. At least, I'm finally moving on from what was holding me back. It took some courage and a leap of faith, but at least, I am now at a different place than I was 5 months ago. It really is good to go away from our hometown and grow and see what the world has to offer. I may be late, but I guess I am not yet too late. I am just starting. 

Still afraid but at least, and I guess, I am now one step ahead.