vulnerability

Time passes by so fast. Just trying to get past our day to day lives, slowly and we're halfway through the year. There are days that I feel so empty.. and then there are days that I feel so much. Anddd today is one of those days.

Have you experienced having so much to feel, it's suffocating? There are times I had to grab on my chest, or hold on to something I can have a tight grip on, because I feel like something's being twisted inside of me. Sometimes it lasts for a short while, sometimes it just goes away after I could have a good cry. Deep breaths help especially when I feel like I'm hyperventilating.  Are these what they call panic attacks? :( I feel like something's brewing inside of me (maybe this is the result of having to drink coffee everyday). Whatever it is, I don't like it. And I wish to have a power over it.

I think I know what's the cause of this. 

Not overdose of coffee, but rather,

Bottled-up feelings. 

I have become someone who would rather be alone in a coffee shop than to go out with my workmates. I now only wait for my friends to invite me to go out, instead of being the one who initiates it. I now usually talk with others only when they need to tell me something, not because I have something to tell them. It's alright for me to not say anything anyways. 

I could go on.. and still, the bottomline of this is that the problem is me.

I have a fear of vulnerability.

I'm not comfortable with gatherings anymore, aside from the reason that I'm afraid of getting COVID-19, I am afraid of the 'talks'. The thought of 'kumustahan' shudders me. Video calls would mean I have to talk and share. (I'm such a bad friend, I know.) It's all okay when it is other's turn to share their struggles, it's easy for me to uplift and empathize, but by the time the ball's been passed to me, I don't like to catch it and I try my best to keep my speech short. 

I'm afraid that people would see my weakness. I am afraid of being pitied. That I couldn't even apply to myself the advices/assurances I give to other people. It's easier to hide and not explain  anything. I choose to run away from the people I am close with and worse, from the people I love.

Ironically, the person who's afraid of vulnerability still decided to write this blogpost, available for the world to read hahaha well, assuming that she has readers.

If there's a reader out there, I hope you're a psychologist because I'd like to ask if I'm still normal. Haha

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But if there's a reader out there and turned out to be the someone I haven't talked to for some time.. I want you to know that I'm sorry if I'm bad at communicating. Believe me, I wasn't like this before. And I'm not going to be like this forever. Hopefully.. Know that I still care, cheering you from afar, but I'm just afraid to reach out. If it's not too much to ask, I wish you could come through.