Well, the past few weeks were quite a mess. I work late at night and have to wake up early. I had to ditch house chores and felt guilty that I was not helping my mom in the house duties. I had consecutive sleepless nights and I had acne breakouts, so worse, my expensive skin care routine could not even cope hahahuhu. Despite of it all, I tried my best to be loving and kind and to be sane at my workplace... but of course, I failed.
I had an intense debate and exchange of arguments with my workmate regarding on sexism, and I was trying to debunk his "boys will be boys" mindset. Usually, even though it was not new to me to hear those kind of remarks at my workplace, I could've just shrugged it off because I don't want to meddle with these people and their ingrained principles.. but that one time was an exception. I was tired.. and super irritable, okay. Though, our argument had ended peacefully because we just agreed to disagree, I had already hurt him with something I said. I apologized but I was still so guilty and I felt so unclean.
A week after that, I was involved in an issue at school. I was at fault at some point, and a lot of misunderstandings took place but none of it was in my control. Our attentions were called and were asked for our testimonies. I felt like I was on trial at court and I was guilty. My heart was so heavy that time because I felt so unclean again, a hundred times over. And it was especially painful to admit that in front of many people, but I had to. I had to wallow in my self-disappointment while I have to prepare for my presentation in the Divisional Research Congress that Friday, to which I was disappointed again.
I am so done with everything. So drained.
Looking back, I don't understand why I have to undergo all through that. But I understand now. I had to experience brokenness again, before the Lord, to go back to Him. To prepare my heart before Him, for this season of Lent. The Lord had allowed to expose my heart from the hidden sins I've committed and there's nothing else I wanted to do but to offer it and surrender. Those circumstances have exposed how unclean I am and how much I need of a Savior.
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. ~Psalms 139:23 NIV
I could never redeem myself after all the things I've done, after so many people I've hurt along the way. I could not see my workmates now the same way as before. Even though I always say to myself that I am not here to build a reputation, I could not deny that I am still afraid of what they think of me now. I want to explain to everyone that it was all just a misunderstanding, I want to explain to them that I was blameless.. but I could not. Because who am I to cleanse my own sins. A sinner could not take its own sins away. I would be a fool to think that I could redeem myself.
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. ~ Psalms 51:17 NIV
Deep in my heart, I just want to make peace with myself. I could've never done it if it weren't for the Peace Giver. If they think of me differently now, then let it be. It's true anyway. That I am not sinless, blameless, clean.
I am still thankful that those things have to happen. And beyond blessed that I have somewhere to run to when I feel helpless. Indeed, who am I if it weren't for Jesus. I just want to bask myself under the Lord's mighty saving grace.
Every suffering we have in this world is a longing for a Savior. An emptiness that can only be filled in by our Creator. For all that had happened in the past weeks, the suffering of Jesus Christ on the Cross now bears so much weight in me. He had to die on the Cross as an atonement for our sins, for my sins. I am not helpless and not a hopeless case. I can still be redeemed and be saved by Him. I am forevermore thankful Jesus for the love You have for me.
Your love, I could not fathom. ðŸ˜ðŸ’–
1 comment
That said, positive you|ensure you|be certain to} choose an affordable player to place your money behind, otherwise you may turn into victim to them making some pretty dangerous decisions. Throughout the session, feel free to speak to the dealer or other gamers at the desk, who must be joyful to respond while you gamble. The monitor can show what online gamers see on their screens. If you are not willing to look on screen, you'd do higher to sit down 1xbet at an alternative place. Usually, a roulette desk has three separate cameras for an summary, shots of the desk, and the wheel, and the third one features the so-called picture in picture display.
ReplyDelete