inertia

 According to Physics, inertia is a property of matter by which it remains at rest or in uniform motion in the same straight line unless acted upon by some external force. In simpler terms, inertia is the reason why matter (something that takes up space and has mass) stays still if it is still, or keeps moving if it is moving.. unless there's an outside force to overcome or to counter it.

That's what I felt inside of me for the past months. Either I can't move on from where we stopped, or I can't stop from thinking of what could be. 

It is welling up inside me like a snowball rolling downhill, getting bigger and bigger and heavier as it gathers more snow, waiting for that one big rock to smash on and break its momentum.

I  also feel like I am a glacier waiting for the Titanic to break me into icebergs and drift away with the current. 

It has been 4 months. Four months of waiting and looking for reasons why I should continue to wait. Maybe I was still hoping that the Lord would grant my prayer, or maybe it was something you said that gave me hope. 

I've been swaying back and forth like a pendulum, from happy to sad, from weak to strong. It's such an irony that it feels like I am in a never-ending cycle of pain and happiness but also feel stuck. Stuck in a cycle..

I need to find a way to break out from this cycle. 

So, I wait for the external force.  I needed a reason why I should stop and let go.  In physics, this external force is usually in a form of friction or an air resistance. In my case, I guess we can call it "time" because as they say, "time heals." As time goes by, the feelings will fall out, memories will fade. Last time I felt this, I had to wait for two years. So for now, I wish time could pass by faster. 

But, external force could also refer to somebody new. I always want to know what's going on with you, always curious on what happened at your work today, always looking forward to events I could cheer you on. But maybe sometimes, we should have limits in knowing. Maybe there are just some things that are not meant for us to know. At the end of the day, I'm still happy for you.

Yey the momentum has broken.

or so I thought..

I am back in the Cycle days after. I am still stuck. Taylor Swift's "All Too Well" lyrics hits me harder this time, "Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it, I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it." Haha thank you Mareng Taylor for always putting up the words my mouth can't speak.  

It took me a while to realize that "it is what it is", even though, I still hope it isn't. But it is what it is. I know it is important to remember the past and to learn our history, but it is another thing to be stuck in it. And I don't want to be stuck in it anymore. I want to be happy, too.

And I realized that it is by having simple decisions like this that we will be able to move forward or go slow. I have been looking for an external force when all this time, it's just within me. 

All I pray is that after all of this, no bitterness is left within me. To never stop believing in love and believe that someday we'll also be going to be loved in return, in ways we want to be loved. I have no bitterness within me now, and that is something I can at least take pride on. Within me, there is only hope.

Thank you for the every inspiration you've given me. 

For now, I'll move on.