I had already given a letter to my friend during her wedding but unfortunately, maybe because of how hectic the event was (or probably because I did not attach the letter properly huhu), Sha was not able to receive it. Nearly three weeks had passed already since your wedding, here's my message for you, sanay ka naman na late ako haha <3

Congratulations to the newly weds Shelton and Sha! 

No words could ever express how happy I am for you two, Shelton and most especially, my dearest friend Sha. I'm actually still in shock of how things went and how fast time passed by. I was really in tears when you messaged and shared the good news to me. I know that you have really waited for this moment Sha, and I am really thankful that Shelton has found you. 

I can still remember your high school crushes and how you fangirl-ed Muslim couples and how you yearned to have what they have someday. I remember how I teased you and you just try your best not your kilig be shown. I am so thankful for all the memories we had in high school, Sha. I so hate the fact that we didn't have enough technology back then to record our memories. I remember how we were not clingy to each other and tease each other when we get clingy, "Gi yaksss clingy kaayo ka" hahaha. That's how our friendship was. And I am so thankful for it and for you, Sha.

 Life happened between both of us. College happened and we had different college barkadas.  I was not there for you most of the time in college but you still leaned on me at times and still trusted me with your struggles even when you were in USTP na. I may not be present in your wins and falls lately in your life-- you have found new friends, and now Shelton-- but know that I'll always be here cheering you on from afar, like you had always been cheering for me ever since.

I think the last time we saw each other Sha was when I went to CDO last June 2019 and I could still distinctly remember how you were happy for me for finally graduating college and you were ranting on how you were left behind and you feel like you're so old na haha. You are the kind of person with big dreams and goals with deadlines in mind. I understand the frustration you had because that's the trait I really liked about you, your perseverance in everything you do. I can also remember you complaining why you still don't have a love life hahahaha who knew that the next time we see each other is when you're getting married na? Who knew you'd be the first one to get married sa batch Zenith? 🥺

But looking back, if everything went "right" according to your plans, if you had gotten a slot in civil engineering in MSU-IIT and we would still had been best of friends in college, had you not transferred to CDO, had you graduated in college on time, would you have met Shelton?

All the "delays" you were complaining on before led you to meet Shelton. <3 Indeed there is no delay in God's timing. I am so happy for you that you are now finally happy and settled. The long wait has made love more worth it, right? God indeed make things beautiful in His time. 

To Shelton, thank you so much for pursuing Sha.. and for being her peace. I am happy that Sha is happy now because of you. It is so nice to meet you. Uwuuuu. May God bless your marriage with lots of love and happiness through and through. Stay in love, lovebirds. 

Your love story is such an inspiration to me.. it gives me hope and to also just wait patiently for mine to come. Charrr 

That's all for my message. 

(And I hope you had a good massage. Please commend my gift wrapping skills haha)

Love you, Sha. Hope you cried with tears of joy hahahaha

Love, 
Gillian

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DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE PHOTOS. ALL PICTURES USED IN THIS BLOGPOST ARE FROM HUGBIG PHOTOGRAPHY AND ARE USED FOR PERSONAL PURPOSES ONLY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

 According to Physics, inertia is a property of matter by which it remains at rest or in uniform motion in the same straight line unless acted upon by some external force. In simpler terms, inertia is the reason why matter (something that takes up space and has mass) stays still if it is still, or keeps moving if it is moving.. unless there's an outside force to overcome or to counter it.

That's what I felt inside of me for the past months. Either I can't move on from where we stopped, or I can't stop from thinking of what could be. 

It is welling up inside me like a snowball rolling downhill, getting bigger and bigger and heavier as it gathers more snow, waiting for that one big rock to smash on and break its momentum.

I  also feel like I am a glacier waiting for the Titanic to break me into icebergs and drift away with the current. 

It has been 4 months. Four months of waiting and looking for reasons why I should continue to wait. Maybe I was still hoping that the Lord would grant my prayer, or maybe it was something you said that gave me hope. 

I've been swaying back and forth like a pendulum, from happy to sad, from weak to strong. It's such an irony that it feels like I am in a never-ending cycle of pain and happiness but also feel stuck. Stuck in a cycle..

I need to find a way to break out from this cycle. 

So, I wait for the external force.  I needed a reason why I should stop and let go.  In physics, this external force is usually in a form of friction or an air resistance. In my case, I guess we can call it "time" because as they say, "time heals." As time goes by, the feelings will fall out, memories will fade. Last time I felt this, I had to wait for two years. So for now, I wish time could pass by faster. 

But, external force could also refer to somebody new. I always want to know what's going on with you, always curious on what happened at your work today, always looking forward to events I could cheer you on. But maybe sometimes, we should have limits in knowing. Maybe there are just some things that are not meant for us to know. At the end of the day, I'm still happy for you.

Yey the momentum has broken.

or so I thought..

I am back in the Cycle days after. I am still stuck. Taylor Swift's "All Too Well" lyrics hits me harder this time, "Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it, I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it." Haha thank you Mareng Taylor for always putting up the words my mouth can't speak.  

It took me a while to realize that "it is what it is", even though, I still hope it isn't. But it is what it is. I know it is important to remember the past and to learn our history, but it is another thing to be stuck in it. And I don't want to be stuck in it anymore. I want to be happy, too.

And I realized that it is by having simple decisions like this that we will be able to move forward or go slow. I have been looking for an external force when all this time, it's just within me. 

All I pray is that after all of this, no bitterness is left within me. To never stop believing in love and believe that someday we'll also be going to be loved in return, in ways we want to be loved. I have no bitterness within me now, and that is something I can at least take pride on. Within me, there is only hope.

Thank you for the every inspiration you've given me. 

For now, I'll move on.

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. ~Psalms 139:23 NIV

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. ~ Psalms 51:17 NIV

I don't know what happened why we were now stuck together. These people have known me for more than 10 years already. Jai and I have known each other since elementary. It's amazing how the Lord had allowed me to have friendships as long as this. At the end of the day, I feel blessed that no matter what, I have friends who will choose to get along side with me through the good and bad times. Friends who choose me to be with them in their sunny or rainy days. It's such an honor.

While Jai and I had been friends already since elementary, it was only in high school where we got closer when we met more people who have the same wavelengths as ours. We had a big group before, u know classic high school culture, but eventually, parted ways. While for me, reunions will always be welcome but I guess, big groups of friendships just don't work. We all have our small groups whom we choose to trust with our lives.

Hahahaha and yes, literally, I trusted my life with this two gals yesterday. Nicole was the first one among us who got a driver's license so it was the first time that she drove us around the city. And it was also her first time to bring the car to the city! We were so proud of her but couldn't deny that we were really feeling jittery during the ride. Really, thank God, we arrived at our homes safe and sound, no broken bones. Hahaha  

It's the last day of January.. and now that it is ending, it feels like I'm still trying to get started. Like I'm still about to start the new year. The month went by quite fast but just enough time for me to rest and think. 

Photo from Unsplash. (c) Holly Mandarich

I spent this last day of January with a blissful feeling. I had my usual Sunday morning tutorial class, did some laundry, took a nap, went out and bought some stuff, had some quality time with myself by eating something good at a nice cafe, drank coffee, watched Sunday service and spent time with the Lord in prayer. I ended my day with a good shower, new bed sheets, and a really good skin care routine. It feels so refreshing. Feels like healing.

And for that, I'd like to share something. 

Today's Bible verse is Proverbs 16:3 - "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans."

Commitment.

In today's fast and changing times, I observed that people find it hard to commit. It might be on a something (such as your current job) or a someone (such as your current fling :p). People had indulged in the notion of not having any labels in relationships up to not even considering marriages because they don't want to be part of something that is binding.

This I can attest in my struggle on whether I should take a postpaid plan to buy a cellphone or not. Why is this an issue? Because entering so means I will be 2-year bound by a contract, paying monthly.. which means I also have to stay in my current job for 2 years (or more) to securely be able to pay this postpaid plan.

I could not imagine that. I find it hard to commit that long. 

But why? And to this I realized. I think it's because I have no concrete plans of where I am going. Most probably because I'm afraid of the uncertainty. I can imagine what I don't want to happen but couldn't figure out what should and what I wanted to happen. I couldn't commit because I have not established my plans.

Now, Proverbs 16:3 reminds me of what it should be. 

So we must first commit to the Lord. Whatever we do. Wherever we go. Whatever season we are in, we must commit to the Lord. The word commit here I think means "to put into charge or trust" and "obligate; bind" (source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary).

After having been committed to the Lord, He will then establish your plans. Establish - "to bring into existence"; "to make firm or stable". He will then make clear to us the course of our paths. And this gives me hope, that I will eventually have a future in Him. 

As a new month is starting, before making any dreams & plans, before anything else.. may we first commit our hearts to the Lord so that our plans will also be aligned to His.

Thank you Father for this wonderful season I am in right now. It's hard but I'm excited to see the growth that can come out from this. I pray that for the rest of the year, I will never stop seeking you and will constantly yearn to read your Word. I pray that whatever I do and is planning to do will be aligned according to Your will. May this heart be always ready to commit to you, Father. This I ask in the Mighty Name of Jesus Christ. Amen. 

 It's around 2 AM when I started to do devotional I had put off the night before. This should be a week of Prayer & Fasting but not until Day 5 of prayer did I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in me. I had not fed it well for a lot of days (or months) already and lately, I was really struggling in keeping myself awake while praying. Since Day 1 of Prayer & Fasting, I was not successful in finishing the Prayer Watch every night during CCF's livestream. Either I was too sleepy or I already fell asleep. 

Not until today, at this ungodly hour. 

Exhibit A: exception to the "Nothing ever good happens after 2AM".

I longed to feel this spark of faith in me for months already. I was idle in my spiritual growth and my spirit is so weak. But God is faithful to me. He never gave up on me despite my forgetfulness, laziness, unbelief.

I feel so blessed right now. I never thought I could finish the Prayer Watch. Yes, I finished it. Days ago, praying feels like forever. I've felt the spark to disciple again and realized how the Lord God had put me in a great position to influence. I am a teacher! How did I not ponder on this before? This now moves me to do better in my work and to always ask how I can train these children to the ways of the Lord. It feels so refreshing to have found my purpose. 

My purpose in Him.

As the Pastor was ending the Prayer Watch with a prayer, he said something about how we should seek God so that we will find Him. This reminded me how this verse was so true in my life. One time, I sought God even though I've not really understood the importance of Jesus Christ. I found a church that helped me grow, found people to be with in this journey in knowing Him, strived to expand my knowledge about His Word, and eventually, found the Word, Jesus Christ Himself, felt and understood His presence. My life's turning point was in that just one mundane morning.

That's why 'Seek Me and You will find Me' verse speaks so much volume to me. As I was ending my prayer, I decided that this verse is going to be my life verse. Days ago, my colleague asked me what my life verse is and I told him that I'm still looking for it. Now, I have a verse to share to him. After praying, as I was turning to my browser to search what verse was it, lo and behold, there were tears in my eyes because I didn't have to search it anymore. It was in front of me. 

It's today's verse of the day. 😭🙏

He is with me in this prayer time. He found me. I sought Him and I found Him. I feel so blessed!!! And I will not stop feeling blessed. 

I have spent many days with emptiness in my heart, no fire in my soul to do the things I once am fired up to do. Indeed, no one fills this heart of mine than You do. 

In the end, it is only by His grace that I still constantly seek Him. It is important to point out that if He were not faithful to me, I would not have come to seek Him. He first found me. 

This is my testimony. ❤

"Seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart." ~ Jeremiah 29:13